Chip's Top Haunted Houses SO Far ...

It’s not even October and we’ve already been to quite a few haunted houses this season. This is my ranking of my favorites so far. I am positive my list will be different from everyone else’s, but mine is probably the best. For the record, my favorite aspects of any haunted house are interactive and invasive scare actors, a lengthy walk, a dark maze, real surprises, and a good spinning tunnel.

Haunted Hotel

7. Devil’s Dungeon (Nashville) We did Devil’s Dungeon and Nashville Nightmare in one night - back to back - and the contrast could not have been starker. While Nashville Nightmare was completely immersive, Devil’s Dungeon seemed indifferent to its guests. The people who went in before us had to come back out and tell the doorman that no one was in there. Everyone had gone on break. I’m pretty sure half of the actors were still on break when we went through. There were long stretches with no actors or scares. Nothing was switched up from the year before. And the actors seemed uninterested - if they were there at all. We were directed to go in with two very terrified blonde chicks who were easy, EASY targets for the scare actors. We managed to get away from them. Since the actors had gone on break just before we went inside, we didn’t have the problem of happening upon another group in front of us.

6. Nashville Nightmare - Industrial Undead (Nashville) This year, Nashville Nightmare was split into “four” houses. And by four, I mean it was split into two regular length houses, and one super long house. The Industrial Undead house was the only completely new house. It was also the shortest and most forgettable. It has a military theme and some radioactive zombie activity. It’s appropriately assaultive, but I can’t remember a whole lot about it other than the guns.

5. Monster Mountain (Nashville) Monster Mountain always has an immersive production design, but it runs the risk of being predictable since they usually recycle the same elements from year to year. Thankfully they mixed it up a little more this year than they have in the past - although I would still like to see more NEW elements. They got rid of the rave dance portion (which was never scary anyway) and added a squeeze room. There’s also a few more animatronics than I remember. Animatronics are impressive but rarely scary. Unfortunately, the spinning tunnel wasn’t working when we were there - that’s a temporary issue. They always have a good ratio of actors to production design with people popping up just when they need to. It also felt more claustrophobic this year than in previous years - thanks mostly to overgrown foliage on the trails. We went on the first weekend, which was extremely muggy thanks to the heat and rain, but it made for a creepy, swampy atmosphere that they definitely used to their advantage. Going early insures that your party can get isolated from other guests and avoid having scares ruined or feeling rushed by the party behind you. And while the scare actors do a great job of jumping out of nowhere - particularly in the outdoor parts - it felt less invasive this year than last despite one ridiculously goofy actor scaring the living fuck out of me early on. In recent years, they’ve used more idiosyncratic scare actors who make ungodly sounds and move in unnatural ways. There was no overall theme that I could ascertain. If anything, it’s a hodgepodge of condensed designs from previous years. I missed the random youtube clips and random scenes playing on the screen while waiting in line. Instead they had a not very scary horror movie playing while we waited in line. But it’s always a solid haunted house with a creepy atmosphere that does a good job of spacing out their scares and their guests and providing some excellent jumps.

4. Waverly Hills (Louisville, KY) Through the entire Waverly Hills, I couldn’t help but wonder how the sprits that supposedly haunt the building feel about a haunted house being hosted there every year. The experience begins with a light show projected onto the front of the building as you wait in line. With the VIP pass, we were first taken on a historic tour of the upper floors. The guides weren’t nearly as creepy and whispery as the guides during the overnight tour I took during the summer, but one burly guide got a reaction when he flatly stated that he has been attacked in the building before blythly moving on to a new subject. After the short tour, we’re taken down to the haunted house proper. It begins with a choreographed skeleton dance. At Waverly Hills, the performers can touch the guests - something I’m not used to. When I walked through the building during the summer, it was laid out in a straight forward design, but the haunted house turns it into a labyrinth of tunnels and rooms and shadows. I regularly lost my bearings. This haunted house leaned too heavily on modern pop culture - including a Suicide Squad Joker and Harley Quinn. And the overall design isn’t especially cool. They rightly figure they can coast on the location’s inherent creepiness, but as you’re walking through you forget that you’re in a supposedly real haunted house. It’s a little too brightly lit and occasionally bare, but it has a spinning room that went in TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS! We went in with a group of seven or eight, but we were in the front and ended up on our own for most of the walk. At the gift shop at the end, you could purchase a coffin ride in which you’re enclosed in a coffin that’s shaken for who-the-fuck-knows-how-long. There was someone in the coffin for a full five minutes while we were waiting there.

Sadly, there were no bats flying through the hallways this time.

3. Nashville Nightmare - Night Terrors / Fairy Tale Hell (Nashville) Although advertised as two houses, the Night Terrors and Fairy Tale Hell are just the regular Night Terrors haunted house cut in half. It makes sense considering that most of the props and settings in the second half involve wolves and a very impressive Headless Horseman. But the fairy tale portion was not as thought out as it should have been. Regardless, this house is wall-to-wall stimuli with actors screaming and leaping out of nowhere, speedy animatronics emerging out of the dark, air canons, sparks, and claustrophobic hallways. We were sent in with a large group, but we held back early on-after the very crowded and chaotic “elevator ride” - and were mostly on our own save for two dudes with fun commentary throughout. Unfortunately, we kept catching up with the party in front of us. I suspect the break mid-tour is an attempt at traffic control and enabling groups to spread out. Unfortunately, there were numerous traffic jams.

2. Nashville Nightmare - Horror High (Nashville) The best of Nashville Nightmare’s haunted houses this year was Horror High. They didn’t change it up much, and I really miss the inappropriate principal. But all the actors were on point. Whoever does the hiring or training at Nashville Nightmare is fantastic. The actors are always fast, loud, and scary. This house may also be the loudest. Nashville Nightmare has an aggressive sound design that begins the moment you get in line. The design is detailed and creepy. The jumps are frequent. And the atmosphere is on point.

1. Haunted Hotel (Louisville, KY) When we got our tickets, there was a sign warning us that this was an “extreme haunt” and that the actors can and will touch you. We had just come from Waverly Hills where the actors had touched us (this is something that haunted houses in Nashville rarely allow), so I was expecting something along the same lines. In the opening elevator, a wall-crawling-creature grabbed my hat when the lights went out and put it on someone else. This was the kind of touching I was expecting. So I was surprised when one actor grabbed me by the neck, slammed me against the wall, told me “don’t move” and then slammed a machete against the wall. I’m pretty sure he didn’t come close to my head, but it was hard to say since I was flinching like King Pussy. The guy who went in with us claimed that a cannibal grabbed his dick. He then confirmed that his dick was okay. You travel up and down steep stairs, barely avoid doors swinging open, and encounter some extremely disorienting light effects. We were sent in as a group of three (the rando guy who joined us was friends with some of the scare actors) and we never caught up to the group in front of us or felt rushed by the actors behind us. In November, they run the haunted house IN THE DARK. I plan to be there.